Currently my life and my options have become so-limited. Which conjures, harbors and lets fester, this, feeling. A feeling better described by imagining yourself…treading water in a cold and undiscerning sea, on the foggiest night you’ve ever experienced in your life. You’re more than fatigued, your face framed by black water. Just a…
Suffocating. Helpless. Hopeless. Exhausting. Absence of light…my vision of misery.
There are three moments in my life, three suicidal ideations, that I cannot ignore. After my most recent ideation, I began to write down my thoughts on a working computer document that I made visible to one other person. I wasn’t just writing, I was sharing every dark and disgusting, embarrassing intrusive thought the best way I could describe it; raw and uncensored. Being the most candid I could recall being in my life and knowing someone,who cared, was seeing everything in a way that, almost felt out of my control. Those chain of events resulted in a spark, another feeling.
That feeling, branching off my last definition, I feel is defined by a lighthouse that has always been there hiding in the dark, has just now illuminated. That tells you that there is solid ground, not only that but it’s actually closer than you could have imagined. That lighthouse, didn’t just turn on by itself, no. There is someone out there, someone who cares and you actually are not, alone. The light itself…powerful, defined and driven by a purpose, bullies its way through the thickest fog making it irrelevant. It’s not rotating, no, instead the light is steady and focused right-on-you. Sending a message I interpreted as “Ok…? What will you do, now?
The adage goes “Misery loves company”. Well…Hello, my name is Misery…and I need help. I needed more of that spark so I decided to follow it and use this platform as a release valve. I invite you, to be my “company”. To be real.